Sunday, January 06, 2008

Handicapping the 2008 Presidential Election

Hey, it's presidential primary season again. Has it already been four years since the American electorate, in their infinite wisdom, handed the Boy Monkey Ass four more years of raping and plundering the known universe? I had been blissfully semi-unaware of this mess until I was watching football the other night and went to switch to the NFL channel and landed on C-SPAN by mistake. There they were talking about momentum and likeability and blowing the usual smoke and nonsense that makes about 60 percent of the people not bother to vote. There they were once again ignoring the two most important things about any election in this country...who is giving each candidate their money to run, and which candidate has the best hair. As every pundit knows, but none will admit, these are the two things that will determine the next president.

Unfortunately, I have no idea who is getting what percentage of their bribe money from what grossly misanthropic segment of the American capitalist rogue's gallery. They never print this stuff anywhere in the McPapers or on the McNews Channels. But I have seen the candidate's hair. Oh yeah, they do show you the hair and make-up. So without further ado, here's how I see it panning out.


Rudy Guiliani: Bald. NEXT!

Fred Thompson: Bald with huge bags under his eyes. Who the fuck begged him to join the race? Nobody, that's who. Keep it moving, Uncle Fester.

McCain: Silver hair, thinning. Very Old...not as bad as Thompson, but you just can't picture him getting an intern to drop to her knees, except maybe under duress.

Huckabee: Dyes his hair, slightly thinning. Looks like Dick Nixon around the time of the Checkers Speech. Same nose, jowels, shifty eyes and 5 o'clock shadow. At the first sign of sweat on his upper lip this mofo is DONE.

Romney: Pure televangelist hair. Dyed.

So Romney has the best hair. He's a very slick dude that tries too hard to be sincere sounding. He's totally transparent, though and totally full of shit with no moral compass whatsoever. He's also the big money candidate. In any other year he would be a lock for the presidency. But a large percentage of the electorate who would normally be easy pickings have sore rectums from the last 8 years of getting the 50-inch GOP elephant dick in that azzzz. Some of them still might fall for it, though. In the words of Bugs Bunny "don't these ducks ever learn?" The Republicans also have a protest candidate this year, Ron Paul. He is against the Iraq War so of course he is insane. Anyone against the Iraq War is insane and believes in UFOs. Just ask the corporate media, they'll tell ya. But I digress...


Obama: Closely-cropped natural. I thought for sure he would go for the waves at some point in the last 4 years, but he's keeping it very basic and unassuming. I think he would still do well if he grew it out a little, but how much is too much for the mainstream voter??

Clinton: Her hubby rocked the undyed "poof" look all the way to the top back in the day and she is staying with what got them there, with the perfect business-like corporate cut.

Edwards: Best in show, his hair got all the press so far and gave him a huge boost in Iowa. Hard to hold back the Little Lord Fauntelroy factor and I see him being a force at the convention, with his well-groomed mane good for at least a couple hundred delegates.

So taking in all of the above, look for the impeccably coifed Democrats to easily take the Presidency over the follically (and morally) challenged Republicans this fall.